Monday, September 30, 2013

Things & Stuff...

Wow, I can't believe it's been a month since I've posted...

I'm finally starting to come to grips with the fact that I'm going through some shit, internally. It took a bad dream Saturday night (the first dream I'd had in weeks) about my Grandma Judy literally telling me, "You're depressed, honey," and giving me a huge hug while I cried. Ugh. I can't even figure it out for myself? Lol.

As some of you know, I started taking a generic of Celexa for major depression and anxiety almost a year ago, with a TON of success. About ten months later, and 30 mg more per day, it's starting to fail me. I knew this would happen. I didn't expect this stuff to change my life forever, but it's easy to fall into that kind of thinking when it's worked so well for so long. I started to notice extreme fatigue (more than usual, for those of you who know me IRL), my trichotillomania is out of control and I'm drinking about 5 out of every 7 nights. I eat past the point of being full. My housecleaning is falling behind. I'm normally super obsessive about that. These are all deadringers for depression and anxiety for me. The weirdest part? I don't feel depressed. I know it's the medication, but I am so afraid to come off of it. I missed a few days last month due to my refills running out and my regular nurse practitioner moving away. The withdrawal symptoms were terrifying, to say the least.

I know I need to go back to counseling. It just started to get so expensive, because I really feel that I need it at least twice monthly to get any kind of result. So I'm in a pickle. Ughhhh. I don't want to go crazy, but I don't want to run us into debt, either. I feel pretty lost at the moment :c

So yeah, that's where I'm at right now. Haven't been doing too much in the way of shoe-scouting or anything like that. Just kinda trying to hold it together.

I don't wanna be a downer, either, I just don't want to leave everybody hanging. I love you guys, and I hope you stick around for when stuff gets better <3


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